I don't normally blog. I don't blog because I think it's a tad too narcissistic to spend hours writing about myself and my life. I mean, who the fuck am I? Why should you care? Who would read?
And then I realize...you care. The people out there who's lives I, and and 6 others, have knowingly (or in my case, mostly unknowingly) touched. I still feel unworthy, I guess that's the problem.

Many months ago, I was asked to partake in a show titled "Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew". The title alone scared me. Who the hell wants to be labeled a "sex addict"? I didn't even know what it meant. I knew that I had problems being truly intimate with people. I knew that I used sex and sexuality as a means of escape. I know that I single-handedly hurt many, if not all, of my ex'es. I knew that my acting out was unhealthy and that I had self sabotaged any and every relationship I'd ever had. What I didn't know was why.

Now, many of you have said "oh, they get paid" or "it's a career move". Let me tell you something, and I only speak for myself, but there was no part of me that thought admitting my faults on television could ever be a "career move".However, the fact the we were getting a paycheck was absolutely an incentive. And if I am being honest (which I do try to be consistently now), I did think I could skate right by and escape unscathed. When I say unscathed, what I mean is..I never expected to get better. I knew that I wanted to, I just didn't know I was capable.

Upon entering rehab, I met the 6 people I would be living with for nearly a month. Upon first impression, I knew there was at least one girl there I could connect with.I was completely disinterested in the guys, one of which has been a friend of mine for many years. But mostly, I just missed my husband.

During that month, I felt every single emotion that I had never allowed myself to feel. Sometimes I was helpless. Sometimes I was depressed. Sometimes I was scared. Sometimes I was vulnerable.Sometimes I was drama. Sometimes I was jealous. But the one thing that remained consistent was that I was WILLING.
Willing, for the first time, to confront myself and the demons and the nightmares and my parents and...my addictions.
And yes, addictions is plural.

So much more happened than you guys get to see. I'd like to say overall that I am proud of the show. That I am proud of each of the people on it. That I think they did a good job and that they did us (and our stories) justice...But I would be lying.
I think a lot of good, hard work and honest stories are missing. I think the things that you guys could relate to and the things that could have helped people out there are gone, never to be seen. And I know that any good television needs its fair share of drama, but I promise you - It wasn't always like that and we didn't treat it as such. We worked our asses off. We grew together, and in some instances, apart. But we did grow.

You see, when you live with any group of people in that sort of setting like this for any period of time,you tend to bond very quickly and very intensely.You tend to react and distract.You tend to fall apart sometimes and expect others to life you back up.

I personally think I expected too much from the people I met there but my problem is that I always expect too much from other people. I wanted certain people there to be more authentic in the journey, I wanted others to be less dramatic, I expected others to not be two-faced, I wanted some to see themselves as I saw them. But most of all, I wanted them to love me. because, at the end of the day, that's all I've ever wanted from people.
It's the classic scenario I have created time after time.
Love me love me love me so I can chase you away.

Today I am sad, because the people I met and lived that journey with aren't at all what I believed them to be at that time. The thing is, I'm probably not what they remember either.

The person I initially connected to the most ended up being the least authentic. Every boring word a mockery when they are still begging for spare change and collecting dirty money all the while screaming from the rooftops that they'd never..

Some still think the world revolves around them, some are consumed by celebrity and the idea that they somehow became one...

and one person even had the audacity to say that I have destroyed my husbands career. Anyone who knows me knows that I work tirelessly, exhaustively, to the bone, to my detriment - for my husband. The reason my husband has a career after what his "friends" and other bands have done to him is because of my hard work, and inability to take "no" for an answer. This one left a bit of a scar.

The person I initially looked up to and was inspired by, the person I most respected- I have come to realize does not respect me.It's hard to realize that a person is not what you fantasized them to be and to know the awful things they say about others while smiling are the same things they say about you. I think back to a time where I nearly missed a dinner party and was met with rage, right up to today and the countless invites I've extended and then graciously smiled as they backed out leaving me hanging last minute,with the hard earned money I spent on dinner ending up in the trash. Do I still long for that connection? yes. But do I know why? No. I'm learning that I cant make people be what I wish they were.

One of the boys, I have not seen since the show, nor do I care to. That's all I'll say on that.

Another, I see and hear from infrequently but I know they'll always be in my life in some capacity..This person has been my favorite to watch on the show. To really experience this person, and to watch the journey. Man, there's a reason that I've always liked you.

Several of the girls, I see in passing, or at meetings. I would like to know them better but they are a bit isolated.I have made it clear that I am always available and accessible to them. I think we are all just trying to reconnect and make our way in the "real world". I don't know whether that includes each other or not. But I sincerely hope it does.

Toward the end of the show, one of the girls and I basically stopped talking. She was, in my opinion, one of the classiest women on the show. A little quiet, not really involved.. and to my surprise, we went out with the other night. We each walked the red-carpet at a Snoop Dogg/ Travis Barker party and we laughed and hung out like no time has passed. Like we'd never missed a beat. I missed out on a lot of time with her but I'm gonna make up for it now.

The person I initially like the least ended up being the one who needed me (or did I need her) most? She taught me things about myself, made me look at my own faults and behaviours and vice versa. I believe we both learned a lot from and about each other. And oddly enough, she's the one who calls, contacts and keeps in touch the most these days.

My point is that none of it was what I expected but I don't see it through rose-colored glasses anymore. I see it, and them, and me, for who and what we are. I did change. My relationships and my marriage changed. My coping mechanisms changed. My heart changed.
I am eternally grateful to Jill and to Drew for that. I am eternally grateful to John Irwin and Vh1 for taking a chance on me. I honestly would not change a thing about the experience.
After all, it brought you all to me
and me to you.

Marylin Monroe once said ""I knew I belonged to the public and to the world, not because I was talented or even beautiful, but because I had never belonged to anything or anyone else.""

That's how I feel. You all make me belong. I thank you for that. I thank you for my voice and helping me find it. I thank you for reading.

I read Duncan's blog earlier (www.duncanroy.com) and it made me a little sad because, while I understood the sentiment he was trying to convey, it made me realize that this person I considered to be one of my closest friends several months ago, doesn't actually know anything about me today.

I am not in a position where I have to do anything I don't want to "for cash". Granted, I am by no means rich- my husband does work his ass off, as do I- but I do what I love for a living. I paint, I have a book deal, I created a television show, I recorded a song that's actually selling very well, I do animal rescue day in and day out. I am a wife, I am a tour manager. I juggle more things in one day than most people.
But it's what I love and I wouldn't have it any other way.

He also said he believes I'm "moments away from being the woman that I want to" which couldn't be further from the truth.
I am exactly who and where I want to be today.

One day

Hotel beds are like coffins;
I lie still,
cement block brain spun with sugar
And i exhale just enough to know I'm still breathing

You are a vast horizon
Your aching rib was carved like bone
You are like me;
Except I bleed

And this angst
This suffocation
What would you know of it anyway?
You are happier now I suppose

And the lamplight flickers
As I write the words
You know what this means don't you?

You'll have to explain it to me one day

Empty spaces become long winding hallways
and coffee cups and carnival mirrors
but i am an architect
I play with knives and I carve out windows and veins
I watch stars fall mercilessly to the ground
Colliding and imploding , half lit and on fire
as we give praise to the rise and fall of a dead man.

Who would give their life for this?
What kind of man could end this suffering?
I am ambivalent;
Jesus came but someone here should have died
that December.

I know you'll have your way with me again
because the void creeps in with the gentle eyes of a child
loudly whispering and sweetly beckoning : I love you I love you
then he holds me nervously as if I would break

But I am christ-like
on black glitter pavement in Hollywood wastelands
yes I am running again
endlessly running , but i don't know from whom.
and I am tired

My brain aches long-winded thoughts
and they tell me I am still the junkie baby
naked in the crib , arms aching blue
I cant seem to form the words..

An amputee of faith hidden in metaphors and phrases
whimsical nonsense I know but I cant seem to stop
who even knows what evil i speak with this sugar tongue?
I hide it from myself!

and the silence hurts me sometimes
more than the noise and more than your hands
scratching hard with sharpened fingers-
He wraps me tightly in his arms; and that IS a promise, he says but
I am choking on all the regret that is still piled up the bedroom floor.

You never even cared.
You walk away nonchalantly and i lie numb in my mourning robe
speaking in tongues and singing choruses
all the words we forgot to write and the stories we can never tell
they say Loss is supposed to be some kind of saviour but

Alas, we are no bigger than we were yesterday
and still I feel so small..
We are still distorting the facts you know
still breaking in sincerity
still floating desperately in a pool of red

yet we smile; we smile
and you know what it is?
i love you but you break me in half

and i see you more clearly than they do
the clever lines expanding on your face
the oleander on your bottom lip
and the bruises of unconditional devotion

Time takes its toll and its twists and unfolds
contorts its smile to an evil grin
as if to say I told you so..

I know this crowd dear and they are dangerous.
They love you as I once did
they part their lips and exhale
hands on their hearts

wave goodbye ; wave goodbye now
Take a bow in slow motion ,
hands waving politely as if to say " I'll be back"
but you wont
I'll be alright